Pitt finally obtains a #1 ranking


Unfortunately for them, it’s not in football or basketball.

It’s in criminal behavior.

That’s right, according to an investigation done by CBS and Sports Illustrated, Pitt ranks #1. After the jumps are a few gems from that article…

Jabaal Sheard does his best Charles Barkley impression…

"First, senior defensive end Jabaal Sheard was charged with aggravated assault and resisting arrest after allegedly throwing a man through the glass door of an art gallery. Authorities told SI that even after an officer arrived on the scene, Sheard continued to punch the victim in the face as he lay on his back, bleeding."

Wow… even after the authorities arrive, he continued to beat the dude bloody.

Here’s another one, this time involving alcohol:

"On Sept. 12, redshirt freshman running back Jason Douglas was charged with aggravated assault by vehicle while driving under the influence. According to court records, Douglas hit a male pedestrian, whom police found lying in the street, bleeding from open wounds to his head and throat. As Douglas was handcuffed he said: “Hey I play for Pitt football … please don’t arrest me.” He was suspended from the team and has pleaded not guilty."

Haha yet Brandon Hogan and WVU gets sh*t from the media for his arrest. I love how Pitt fans claim their school’s superiority over WVU’s, yet they cheer for a bunch of criminals.

In the words of Billy Mays, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

"On Sept. 18, sophomore offensive lineman Keith Coleman was charged with aggravated assault and harassment. Police records indicate that in an incident on the street near the Pitt campus he beat up one man and body slammed another who attempted to intervene."

Wow, this is a longer rap-sheet than a Huntington trailer park!!!

Looks like the “hits keep a-comin’!”

"Finally on Sept. 22, police responded to a 911 call reporting that a man was choking a woman at Chatham University in Pittsburgh. Officers found Donna Turner bent over on a porch, crying and vomiting. She identified her attacker as Jeffrey Knox, a freshman defensive back at Pitt.“Knox … open handed slapped Turner in the head with such force that she was thrown to the ground,” the police report states. “Knox then jumped on her, grabbed her by the throat, picked her up by her throat and slammed her head into the wall. He held her against the wall, continuing to choke her.”When two female witnesses tried pulling Knox off Turner, he allegedly threw punches at them and knocked them down. He then left the scene before authorities arrived. A day later, Knox was dismissed from the team after being charged with assault and reckless endangerment."

Wait, wasn’t it Charlie Sheen who said that women are not to be hit, but instead, “hugged and caressed?” Apparently, Knox likes to hit women… and I have absolutely ZERO respect for any man that hits a woman… of course, I have zero respect for Pitt to begin with, so now, my respect level for Mr. Knox is IN THE RED.

So, this pretty much concludes–wait a minute…

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen.

"On the day Sports Illustrated released a blockbuster investigation (more on that later) on all the criminals in college football, comes this report from police in Pittsburgh – a redshirt freshman on the Panthers, Fernando Diaz, was arrested over the weekend and hit with a taser four times. Diaz, who policed listed at 6-3, 300 pounds, “twice tried to walk away, and once the citation was written told police he wouldn’t sign it … Officers attempted to grab his arms but he pulled way in an aggressive manner and officers were only able to get one handcuff on him … He then began swinging his arms, one with the handcuffs attached, with closed fists at officers.”The suspect, Fernando M. Diaz, 20, of Bronx, N.Y., was taken into custody after a cruiser on routine patrol at 1:56 a.m. had to stop on Atwood because Mr. Diaz was standing in the middle of street yelling at someone in an adjacent parking lot. He refused to move, police said. When he saw the police car, officers said, he responded “What the [expletive] are you going to do, hit me?”Officers got out of their car but he became belligerent and yelled at them, police said, and a crowd gathered. A man who said he was on the team with Mr. Diaz told him to “shut his mouth” and accept the citation for being publicly drunk, cautioning him that former Pitt Head Coach Dave Wannstedt was not there any more and new coach Todd Graham would make an example of him."

Way to help Pitt keep that #1 ranking there, Diaz! Of course, I could see where the police would need to taze a 300 LB dude.

In response to these charges and their newly-obtained #1 ranking, Pitt has decided to be honest about their image as a university and are debuting this new fight song…

Stay classy, Pitt… HAIL TO PITT, my ass!