Guest Contribution: Jeremy Stewart
By Editorial Staff
Jeremy is a fellow WVU fan and Fansided blogger over at Pacman Jonesin’. I asked Jeremy if he wanted to share his thoughts about the football season, the upcoming Backyard Brawl, as well as what happens from here on out. Little did I know he would deliver a top-shelf rant (complete with coarse and rude language after the jump) about the city of Pittsburgh. Onward!
My Only Trip Ever to Pittsburgh
As a long-time WVU fan and Steeler-hater, I have only been to Pittsburgh once in my life. It was last summer for a good friend’s bachelor party. Why I understand the women of Pittsburgh to be steer-like in their appearance (good for pulling on things!), I was told Pittsburgh imports their strippers from places along the east coast with better looking women, like Morgantown, or anywhere. So it was with great excitement that we descended upon the drunk abyss that was the Steel City, dicks in one hand and beers in the other. The night was a giant blur, but I’ll try to remember a few of the details. We started out piling into a cab, and traveled to some bar named after Hines Ward. Smirre Birre! We ordered our drinks, and noticed what appeared to be a pack of dogs, but was probably just a local bachelorette party. Only Jeff Reed could’ve drank til they were cute. We continued to bar after bar, it was like a Kid Rock video or a Ke$ha biopic. Finally, we decided it was time to hit the strip club. BOOBIES! We enter ”Club Erotica” with fist fulls of ones and high BAC’s. It looked like what you imagine a strip club would look like. Creepy dudes, young dudes, the occasional girl who apparently got lost on the way to her sewing circle or ”Brownie of The Month” meeting. So we started makin’ it rain in that bitch. CHUH CHUH! I gave one young lass a 20$ bill just because she happened to be dancing in front of me while the loud speakers were blaring the entrance music of Stone Cold Steve Austin. After about an hour of 1$ beers and exposed breasts we backed away from the stage and decided it was time just soak in the scene a little. As we were standing there, probably saying something pretty racist, one of the ”workers” approached me about purchasing a ”private dance”. ”GUH SURE” was probably my answer. So my blurry vision and I were lead back to this small room. So she starts doing her dance, and I notice….something above her upper lip. Thinking it’s just my drunk goggles seeing shadows, I say nothing. But as she lowered her face towards my man region, I saw it. A F*CKING MUSTACHE! ”What’s your name?” I ask. ”Jami Wannstedt**” she said. Stunned, I kick her in the face, grab the rest of my party, and slip out of the club before the mustached sex worker could catch-up. That was my one, and only trip ever to Pittsburgh.
Prediction: WVU 17- PITT 10
Bill Stewart out after loss to Rutgers, Jim Harbaugh in.