The Team Gets Ready For A Brawl
By Editorial Staff
Geno Smith: Hey Bruce you ready for Pitt!
Bruce Irvin: Yep.
Geno: It’s the Backyard Brawl!
Irvin: Yep.
Smith: I wonder what the coaches have in store for us.
Irvin: (sips a cup of water) (sits down cup)
/water begins to shake
/Pantera’s ”Walk” begins playing over the locker room speakers
/sound of C4 going off in the hallway
/door gets blown to pieces
Coach Bedenbaugh: WOOOO! THOSE ARE SOME NICE SPARKLERS!
Geno: You ready for tonight coach?
Bedenbaugh: Aw hell Geno it’s on like my dong. I’ve been doing nothing but watching film and eating hot pockets for the past 10 days. I told my family I was kidnapped. Hate to do it to them, but that’s a coaches life. I had to handle all the game planning this week, Dana said he was busy, haven’t seen him since last week.
Geno: Busy? Do you know when he’s getting back?
/Sound of Red bull cans hitting the floor
/Freebird being hummed
Coach Holgorsen: Hey guys!
Entire Team: Hey coach!
Holgs: Gentlemen I’m going to cut to the chase. To win each week we need a physical advantage on our opponent, and we’ve got that on Pitt. To win each week we need to be better prepared than our opponent, and by the looks of their coaching staff we’ve got that. Finally to win each week we need a psychological advantage on our opponent. We need to be in their head. That’s why I’ve been away all week.
/trainers hand players a packet of pictures
Geno: What are these?
Holgs: Look closer…(giggling)
/picture of mulleted lady crotch comes into focus
Holgs: I gave ole’ Mrs. Graham the SHAGGY MUSKET!
Entire Team: OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holgs: I showed her my 13-9!
Entire Team: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holgs: I brawled in her backyard! AND FRONT YARD!
Entire Team: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holgs: I showed her how I dominate a pit!
Entire Team: DAMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Holgs: That’s not all we’ve got for you!
/Live panther brought into locker room
Bedenbaugh: TIME TO DIE!
/Snaps the Panthers neck by shoulder checking it into a locker
/Punches it twice for good measure
Bedenbaugh: YEAH BABY! PUNCH THE PUSSY!
/High-fives Holgs
Holgs: Guys I’m not going to pretend like I know everything about this rivalry yet. I just know it’s built on hate, and I hate Todd Graham more than I like winning. You boys need to go out there and play not to win, not to lose, but to put their entire team in the hospital. ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?
Entire team: YES SIR!
Holgs: ARE WE GONNA PUNCH’EM IN THE TAINT!
ENTIRE TEAM: YES SIR!
Holgs: ARE WE GONNA STEAL THEIR GIRLFRIENDS, NAIL THEM, AND NEVER CALL THEM AGAIN!
Entire Team: HELL YEAH!
Holgs: Bring it in!
/everybody brings it in
Holgs: EAT SHIT PITT ON 3!
Everyone: 1-2-3! EAT! SHIT! PITT!
Bedenbaugh: I need to change my pants.
Holgs: Wanna see 14 pairs of panties? They ain’t Mrs. Graham’s, they’re Todd’s.