Op-Ed: Bill Stewart and his Handpuppet Are Gone

You know what relief smells like? You know that smell? No, I’m not talking about when you sit down in the evening after a big meal and offload a big steaming pile of byproduct right into your…OK, I digress.

Hopefully, now that Ollie Luck is giving Stewart the ol’ heave-ho, we can finally get some relief.

• Relief from mediocre seasons
• Relief from blowing our load at the Bowl games
• Relief from having to deal with a guy and his handpuppet
• Relief from watching Stewart crap his pants at every press conference
• Relief from having a Head Coach that always sounds like he is eating Peanut Butter
• Relief from hearing about Jeff Casteel wanting to leave everytime Bill Stewart craps his pants (yes, the smell is that bad)
• Relief from having a Don Nehlen prototype running our Football program

That’s a lot of relief. That’s something that even Excedrin can’t tackle. We’ve put up with a lot of headaches over the years. From Rich Rodriguez’s fondling of a cheerleader [rumor, but he did fondle someone to get that job at Michigan], and subsequent “F*ck You!” to the entire State of West Virginia, all while carefully not getting his favorite hot dog chili on that gay pullover he used to wear.

I feel like, at this point, our school has taken a giant collective dump. We’ve been constipated for years, and the laxative is finally doing it’s job.

Thank you, Oliver Luck, for being our prescribed laxative. I know it’s probably not very flattering being compared to someone’s morning constitutions, but let’s be real here: You just got rid of a lot of crap.

I gotta go poopy.

Maybe the above picture is the reason we lost the Gator Bowl. Bill needs to stop drinking so much Metamucil.