Guest Contribution: Taking on VP Ken Gray

Once again, it’s that time of year where the Mountaineers take on the jerks up north otherwise known as the Pitt Panthers. Just the simple notion of even thinking about them makes me want to choke someone out.

Anyway, last year, the student section faced a lot of controversy for, well, BEING STUDENTS! Sheesh. Anyway, VP of Student Affairs Ken Gray took it upon himself to send out empty e-mails to the students telling them to behave. Did they? If you answered anything other than “yeah, right”, you are probably an idiot. If that’s you, then turn off the computer, unplug it, and give it to someone who doesn’t breathe only through their mouth.

Our friend Jeremy over at Pacman Jonesin’ and I both took on VP Gray last year on our various websites (which are both now defunct), and are continuing the tradition a year later, on a bigger stage. So, without further ado… (some of this stuff ain’t safe for the kids to read, FYI)

Dear Students,

/hides beer
As the Mountaineers get ready to take on the Pitt Panthers Monday night, I want to encourage you to continue to do your part in promoting a fun and family-friendly atmosphere during athletic events.

Yes Ken Gray, because everyone knows athletic contests on college campuses against hated rivals should be fun and family-friendly. Like effing Disney World.

As we all know, the Backyard Brawl can be one of the most exciting games of the season.  Let’s support our players and Coach Huggins by letting the Panthers — and other spectators — know what it means to be a Mountaineer by cheering loudly from the beginning to the end of the game.

Hold on. If I’m going to be focused that long I’m gonna need some help.

/sniffs a miscellaneous powder

Ok dude, continue.

In doing so, please avoid vulgar and profane language and other unsportsmanship-like behavior.  Remember to treat everyone with courtesy and respect, including opposing fans, players, coaches and officials.
Lemme go ahead and break this cliche bukkake down one phrase at a time.

”vulgar and profane language”- Well Kenny, what’s vulgar and profane to you is not vulgar and profane to me. For example, if I was to hear someone call Jamie Dixon a c0cksucker, I don’t flinch.

”unsportsmanship-like behavior”- I’m ignoring your barely readable phrasing, because I’d rather attack the meaning of this. The fans are not sportsmen. Most of us haven’t been sportsmen in several years. By your logic if I jerk off to porn, then because I viewed the event, I am now a porn star.

”treat everyone with courtesy and respect”- Why? Pitt fans do not deserve respect. You know what our courtesy is? Only throwing beer cans and small change at them.

Mountaineer fans are a reflection of WVU’s players, coaches, University — and the entire state of West Virginia.
So let’s blame the bad parts on New Jersey.

Let’s display the pride, determination and character that Mountaineers so richly embody.
Ah yes the same determination our ancestors showed when they yelled N-bombs at (insert black player here) back in (insert year pre-2008).

Have fun! Cheer loud!  Be Mountaineer Proud!
MATCH THE MOUNTAINS!

Let’s go, Mountaineers!
Expect one of these next week!

Ken Gray

Vice President for Student Affairs
Vice President of sending out letters pleading you to act like drones