Holgorsen’s First Day on the Job in Morgantown
By Editorial Staff
[Scenes open up in cold Morgantown, WV in early January 2011 at the Puskar Center.]
Oliver Luck: Wow, it’s 9:07am on Day 1 for Coach Holgorsen and he’s already late… *sighs* I hope he has a damn good excuse…
Bill Stewart: Well gee, Ollie, I’m always EARLY… not even on time, but early! I’m here at 7am every morn’, a-rarin’ to go!
Luck: You’re here before maintenance arrives to unlock the doors, Bill. There’s honestly no need for you to be hanging outside the Puskar Center 2 hours before we open for business. Can’t you sleep an hour longer, eat breakfast, see your son off to school?
Stew: Naw, Karen takes care of all that for me! I’m all business, Ollie!
Luck: I’m sure you are, Bill…
[Out of nowhere, you hear loud revving and rumbling outside…]
Luck: What the hell is that?
Stew: Gotta go check it out!
[Stew and Luck head towards the doors of the Puskar Center, and apparently, Coach Holgorsen has arrived to work in style.]
Luck: I see Dana took my advice and got 4WD and snow tires…
Coach Holgorsen: Yo, dudes… you all didn’t tell me traffic was so bad during the students break… and you all didn’t tell me how cold it’d be up here.
Luck: Honestly, Dana, traffic starts to pick up around this time of year… many of the students start to make their return to Morgantown.
Holgs: Dang, man… I never thought I was going to get out of the Wharf District.
Stew: See, Ollie, he has no idea where he’s going. He was late for work on his first day… he had no idea it’s be so cold up here! He needs to jut his jaw…
Luck: Bill, please… at this point, nothing you can say or do will dissuade me from bringing in Coach Holgorsen. Contract’s almost ready. This had to be done. Dana, let’s take you to your new office.
Holgs: Sweet. Do I get a window?
Luck: I don’t see why not. You’re going to be the Head Coach In Waiting…
Stew: Waitaminit! I didn’t get a window til Doc Holliday left!
Luck: Bill, for the last time… stop whining.
[Luck, Stew and Holgs go to Jeff Mullen’s old office, which still has Mullen’s name on the door.]
Luck: Now, Dana, I hope you can forgive us, we’ve placed the order for your name tag to be engraved… but, because of the holidays, they got backed up a bit.
Holgs: No problem, bro… I’ll just go through Jeff’s desk. He is gone, isn’t he?
Stew: Jeff was a good offensive coordinator… I just don’t get for the life of me why he was let go.
Luck: Bill, were you watching the same Champs Sports Bowl I was watching?
Stew: Jeff had other things on his mind… he couldn’t concentrate knowing he was out of a job after that game!
Holgs: You dudes get your stuff worked out… I’m gunna situate my new office.
[Holgorsen enters what was Jeff Mullen’s old office… first thing he does is open a desk drawer and finds Mullen’s old playbook.]
Holgs: Wow, not much of a playbook… but, at least he left me a pen!
[5 minutes later, knock on the door.]
Holgs: Come in.
[Door flies open.]
Jeff Casteel: Dana! What’s up, buddy!?
Holgs: How’s it hangin, bro!?
Casteel: Man, am I glad you came to town! Now, if you need anything, let me know… but, I did bring you a couple of presents.
Holgs: Jeff, you didn’t have to…
Holgs: Dude… Sugar-Free Red Bull and Nachos! No way! Now, I’ll get more work done having this in my office! Now, let’s talk about offense…
Casteel: For once, I’m actually looking forward to this meeting.
Holgs: The plan is, to, pretty much, give you all point support… like in baseball where the pitcher has run support. That way, your boys aren’t always doing all the work. I watched that bowl game… dude, that was awful.
Casteel: Don’t even get me started… Stew severely hamstrung our practice time on purpose, because he wanted to be a little bitch about all the coaching changes! Defense can’t win championships when offense can’t win games!!
Holgs: No kiddin, bro. I think if we’re to win the Big East, we need to win it outright, and torch everyone with the Air Raid. I just don’t want your boys sucking oxygen on the sidelines because the offense sucks.
Casteel: That’s what’s been going on since Stew came to town… the defense is stout, but, they’re human… they can only do so much.
[Knock at door.]
Holgs: Yo, who is it!?
Stew: Hey, guys! Y’all talkin’ strategery? I’ve got a few suggestions!
Holgs: Dude, I have a meeting with you around 11 to talk offensive strategy. Jeff and I are just shootin’ the shit right now, and he got me some nachos and Red Bull. Want some?
Stew: I’m still the Head Coach, and if I have a few suggestions to offer, you’re going to take them and implement them!
Holgs: Whatcha got, man?
Stew: Here’s copies of our advanced bubble-screen plays, as well as our up-the-middle running plays.
Holgs: Dude, I’ve got all kinds of new stuff… we’ll only need to use this crap when we’re up 50 against Pitt…
Stew: We can’t score THAT MUCH against Pitt… we gotta show Coach [INSERT NAME HERE] and that team some respect… after all, they’re our top rivals.
Casteel: That just means my defense stays on the field longer, and may allow points!
Holgs: Jeff, no worries, man… just chill. Bill, dude, we need to score more than 21 points a game if we want a National Title. Could you imagine, Bill, if we win a National Title next year? You’d be hailed as a hero in this state!
[The following scenes pop into Stew’s head.]
Stew: So, I could be lifted up on players shoulders, and the crowd would chant “Stew! Stew! Stew!” just like the Fiesta Bowl?
Holgs: Yup.
Stew: YEEE-HAWW!!! NATIONAL TITLE GAME, HERE WE COME!!! Jeff, Dana, y’all put together the Winning Playbook for a National Title! I’ll just help if needed! YEE-HAW!!!
[Stew runs out of the room and down the hall, shouting with joy.]
Holgs: Gotta send a text real quick to Mr. Luck…
TEXT: plan worked perfectly. that guy will believe anything!
Holgs: So, Jeff… let’s get back to work…
[Phone beeps with text reply.]
Holgs: Hmm… oh, it’s from Mr. Luck…
TEXT: Yes, he will. Next year, he’ll be out of your hair.